PERSONAL LOG | 001. locked, unhackable.

[atlas_shrugged]

SUBJECT: FAMILY.

Been awhile since I had time to write my thoughts down. Seems like a good enough time to start again. Smoking on the house's porch. Never got to do this leisurely before. I was always on a time limit when I visited.

Jess got up to give me a blanket. She knows I don't need them. But I know she does. I think she stayed up hoping I'd come home.

If Josh hadn't needed to walk back to his place, probably wouldn't have gone home. This constant family thing is so alien to me.

This vice tablet makes writing quite different. Usually just did it with a pen and paper. Never got out of the habit of writing in notebooks from back in the war. The tech I get to handle these days though makes me wish I had them years ago. Marie kept things up-to-date and it was always easier on missions with the good stuff, but when the US economy crashed, it took everything of her and I to keep things afloat. Made do with a lot less.

The investments died and prices for everything skyrocketed in most places. I went spartan on jobs as much as I could, keeping and using only the things Methuselah, Netsach and Zangyaku would give to me back then. Never really put in any more orders for other stuff, even though some extra ordnance would've been nice. I just kept sending everything to Marie's accounts and let her handle everything like she always did.

She still tried to keep my safehouse and armory stocked. Sent me nice things like chocolates, books, comics and stuff to make the safehouse feel more like a home when I'd get back post-mission. When I'd pick them up at the dropzones, I'd make my way to town and ship back most of it (couldn't let go of the books and comics. The M&Ms were hard to send back but I did anyway.)

We fought a lot about that, particularly when Jessica was born in 2034. A miracle really. Marie was 55 then.

Even with J, she insisted on budgeting me in. Wouldn't let me go out in the field without stock. Wouldn't stop sending me M&Ms and things. I kept telling her I didn't need them. To just use the money to get J through school. Schooling had gotten so expensive back then, particularly private school, even with what I'd been earning overseas. She did, eventually, stop sending me things I'd get angry about. But she'd slide in a book or a comic every other month or so, stubborn as she was. I could've done without them. The pictures of J and her slid in-between the pages though, those I needed.

Marie never let me see or hear her cry. She'd just sermon me like a child, like she were older than me even though it was just in looks. Jess told me later on that her mother actually cried a lot, particularly when she'd gotten bed-ridden and J took over being my "Secretary". Marie kept saying she could still put in the hours. Jess told her to rest so she'd be okay when I visited. The years had taken their toll on her. I blame myself.

I was on a mission when she passed away. Only found out when I got back. Missed the funeral. Visited her grave with her favorite flowers. It was raining that day. It really does happen in real life; not just in the movies. I asked J to give me that time alone with her. God knows we never had enough time.

I have a second chance with her family now. I also have a second chance with an army family with my Blade and Netsach. Need to learn to make time. It's easier with the Blade since training and fighting has always been my life. I guess its time to mix them together. Maybe breakfast with Josh and the Brennans after a morning jog with him one of these days after tomorrow's mission. Running on France's rooftops will just have to wait for now.